Pre-departure mind nerves

How're you doing?

I'm in Melbourne now. It has been 3 weeks + here and this is the main reason for neglecting this space. It wasn't intentional as you can see how often I was posting before my farewell party.

Prior to my departure, I was busy with Chinese New Year visiting, gambling, and collecting ang pows. I really enjoyed CNY this year because I don't have any academic/work commitment in hand. It was a worry-free festive season. And finally, I managed to crash Sailorsirs visiting. Really thankful for being so welcoming and accepting. Best cny ever.

Good times don't last... I was busy preparing for the party and barely had time to realise that time is really running out on my side in Singapore. At the party, many of my friends turned up. Old friends, new friends, long lost friends... They all played a part in my life and without anyone of them, I will never be this Yan Jing here. I am always constantly reminding myself to remain grateful and thankful to them.

It was the night I felt the fatigue kicking in soooo damn hard but I had to go on. During the cake cutting session, there were some instances I felt like collapsing. I was really very tired, but I'm not complaining because I got what I wanted. Well wishes from everyone and most importantly, seeing everybody for the very last time before departure. We drank, and I got drunk, puke on my bed and on myself. The last time I got unconsciously drunk was so long ago. After that I felt soooo bad for causing Fiona so much trouble and I learned to control my intake. But that was the last night, I thought... And I was at home so I thought it was alright to just knock myself out. It was a bad idea. My mom got really angry and worried. That led to some sorta drama mama scene of a series of cleaning, scolding, and tearing.

I felt terrible. Ever since graduation, I've been living such messy life. Sleeping when everyone else is working. Waking up and it's time for lunch. Eating supper, going out late at night, driving around in the middle of the night, more house parties, drink drink drink drink drink club club club club club and going out with a few guys at one time after breaking up. I was horrible. Having no clue to what's gonna happen and having no directions and motivations in life. That was what went through my mind all the time. I wake up everyday thinking of what to eat, where to go, and looking forward to every ladies' night. Sometimes friday and saturday nights. That was all. It sounds like I'm leading a good life. Yes, it is a stress-free life. But I feel bad about myself for being so unproductive. And that is far worse than feeling tired and restless from a productive day in school/at work.

Packing was a bitch. But it helped a bit because I had to put everything down and leave. Escape is what I call it. All of that I owned was lost overnight. Good and bad. I wanted to get rid of the bad feeling I had with me, but I guess it cannot be achieved unless I give everything up.

Thank goodness I left. Feeling so much better about myself now that I am enrolled in a school, attending classes and not intending to skip any. I feel slightly useful now...

It's probably the unfamiliarity of being a student that makes me feel lost in lectures. I was just making my presence in lectures because I understand nothing the lecturer said. But I hope I can gradually get on track.

Many of my friends and even my relatives came to the airport to see me off. Can't be more grateful and thankful for every effort made. I wasn't particularly in the mood because I didn't know what to expect. Everything goes one step at a time. Who knows what to do with 2 pieces of overweight luggage and 1 piece of super overweight handcarry luggage? I honestly have no idea and no plans on how to do it either but I had to go ahead.

After I entered the departure gate, I received a call from Ling Ying. Shizzzz I forgot to tell her I'm entering the gate. It doesn't help with minimal sleep, excessive packing, settling overweight luggage, and an influx of emotions. She was at the airport and wanted to pass me a farewell gift she made for me. I felt so bad. So I went back to the gate and looked through the glass panels. She wasn't in sight. That is because she was at the wrong terminal. But I couldn't wait for her. I would risk missing my flight. So I cried my way to the boarding gate, apologising to her on the phone. Oh the dilemma to give up something precious for another mandatory event.

I was so drained that I slept so soundly even with the Middle eastern baby wailing beside me. Please let me regain my energy for the new city and new life ahead.