Why am I so rash?

5 months in another country? I wished he would tell me I'm a rejected candidate now.

But he did not. Neither did he tell me I'm a confirmed candidate. So what now? What do I do now? I am totally stuck at my life planning up till 19th March. I could not go further and that feeling really sucks.

Mr Ng called me up and told me my cert was ready and I can register for the April ALCM examination but the deadline is on Monday, which means I have to confirm and pay the whopping $690 registration fee this coming Friday during lesson. If I don't take the April's exam, it'll drag all the way to August, which is also impossible since I'm just back from China(assuming that I am going). The next period will be in Nov/Dec, which is.... another year again. And... 5 months without piano lessons? 5 months without practice and motivation? Omg, I really don't want to think of the consequences.

Next it's that contract I'm tied to. It ends on 17 Apr 2011 and if I am a successful candidate to China, I will need to write a letter to inform them and there might be a chance that I will be kicked out or have to compensate. But I must inform them LATEST 2 months before 17 Apr, which is 17 Feb. What if I still can't get a confirmed answer by then? Even if they're really nice to keep that place for me, it's going to be really very difficult to throw 2 students who're going for exam in July. There's another 2 girls who're total beginners, been with me since my second lesson and now improving and getting better! It aches to let other people teach them on my behalf in another manner.

I also have 2 young kids under my care. Finding a relief teacher is possible, but who? They are the toughest students and in fact, I'm afraid that they would prefer the new teacher and will never want me to go back.

Another one is my Netball commitment. I am so happy that I am one of the calling leaders again for the new year. BUT, if I were to go China, I have to trouble the committee to reshuffle the groupings and to assign a new calling leader. *Sighs*

In today's training, they announced that they're aiming to send a team to Thailand for friendly matches and that would be based on attendance. I really want to go. Even without this Thailand thing, I can't afford to be away for 5 months without training. I am already so lousy. If I were to be away for 5 months, I'm afraid that my skills will drop all the way back to primary school level. 5 months without attendance? Hmm.. :-( I really enjoy training sessions....

Next will be my dong-dong-qiang lesson. I just changed a teacher and started learning a lot of new stuffs. Less than 5 months time and I'm gone again? If I were to go to China for 5 months, I would have to terminate lessons. Moreover, I couldn't take grading exams which will be held in May! This is crap because I've been practicing for this since June last year. Even if I come back from China, the pieces I've been practicing is considered OLD SYLLABUS and cannot be used already. Which means, I have to buy new books(freaking expensive) and practice new songs and waste time waste money. For goodness sake, I am already 18 going 19.

And because of my rashness to get out of Singapore, I went to applied for this 5 months overseas intern, which will be a drag to my life. I will waste more years of my life.

What I want to know now is whether am I confirmed an intern over there at China? I NEED TO KNOW IT NOW. It really sucks to be left hanging and there's nothing I can do but to WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT. Seriously, I need the answer so that I can plan.

:-(